a peak of happiness

When i saw her use the key chain, for the keys of the balls, a smile crossed my face....
when she posted my 2nd work in photoshop, with a caption "nice" i felt so happy...

why? because, she is the very special to me...she's always the first one to do the drills which makes her like the unluckiest person in the world because she's the first one to experience the first time i'll be throwing balls for that drill....which means i still don't know how to do the drill, i have a hard time watching her do the drills, i feel that of all my team mates, she's the one that suffers most...that's why i couldn't look at her straight in the eye or talk to her normally because i feel so ashamed...i could always empathize with her pain but never say anything about it...my glimpse of happiness ends when i see her teary eyed or so tired...

~bye!

why?

I am selfish...i have a hard time letting go...i love holding on to the people i love...that it hurts me so much when i see them go...but once i care, i always will...i may seem like i don't..but really i do...but its only that i'm afraid of showing affection again...its stupid for me to do that i know...but that's just who i am...i do say i love you...and every time that i say that i really really really really mean it...because its from the bottom of my heart......

i'm lost...lost in deep emotions...i may seem happy...but every time that i'm alone, i stare into nothingness thinking of every time i spend with those whom i love the most...i'm sorry...i just couldn't let go...

every moment does count...every smile...every tear....and every single pain that i feel, it doubles every time i see them...because i find it so hard to let go......its wrong, i know, but i just want to be me....

why does it hurt? why do i suffer this way?
-Why? because God wants me to learn...He doesn't give me challenges that He knows i can't handle...He knows i can make it out...

crap...

this is the crappiest day ever.....i never had a worse day than today....crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap...everything today is crappy....everyday just makes me feel worse....stupid li shr test stupid day, stupid self..i wonder why it hurts so much? malay...basta masakit...i shouldn't have...sorry...entirely my fault.

~bye

bad trip

Hay... i think i'm gona fail that cursed Li shr test....

invincible

the english test yesterday literally drained my brain =( now i'm going gaga!

one thing that i actually made up during the test was the last line of the "story of love" with love as the one narrating the story...

the last line was....

i am invincible to anyone but myself...

weird huh? but that was how i understood the poem...couldn't possibly blame me for that now can you?

sacrifice...

I loved you once and got hurt twice,
but all i did was shut my eyes...
_____________________________

EmO mode....

sacrifice is done out of great passion for something...

or maybe even someone...

but will it ever be too much...

or it could be that it never seemed enough.....


~bye

a true boyfriend

girls:

if you love her
(don't cheat on her)

if i dont call you
[ Its because im waiting for you to
call me ]

When i walk away from you mad
[ Follow me ]

When i stare at your mouth
[ Kiss me ]

When i push you or hit you
[ Grab me and dont let go ]

When i start cussing at you
[ Kiss me and tell me you love me ]

When im quiet
[ Ask me whats wrong ]

When i ignore you
[ Give me your attention ]

When i pull away
[ Pull me back ]

When you see me at my worst
[ Tell me im beautiful ]

When you see me start crying
[Just hold me and dont say a word ]

When you see me walking
[ Sneak up and hug my waist from behind ]

When im scared
[ Protect me ]

When i lay my head on your shoulder
[ Tilt my head up and kiss me ]

When i steal your favorite hat
[ Let me keep it and sleep with it for a night]

When i tease you
[ Tease me back and make me laugh ]

When i dont answer for a long time
[ reassure me that everything is okay ]

When i look at you with doubt
[ Back yourself up ]

When i say that i love you
[ I really do, more than you could understand ]

When i grab your hands
[ Hold mine and play with my fingers ]

When i bump into you
[ bump into me back and make me laugh ]

When i tell you a secret
[ keep it safe and untold ]

When i look at you in your eyes
[ dont look away until i do ]

When i miss you
[ im hurting inside ]

When you break my heart
[ the pain never really goes away ]

When i say its over
[ i still want you to be mine ]

When i repost this bulletin
[ i want you to read it ]

guys:
- Grab her butt when you kiss her, it's a real turn on.

- Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go then kiss her

- When she says she's ok dont believe it talk with her

- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up

- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.

- Tease her and let her tease you back.

- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

- Watch her favorite movie with her.

- Give her the world.

- Let her wear your clothes.

- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

- Let her know she's important.

- Kiss her in the pouring rain. (sweet!)

- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; "Who's ass am I kicking babe?"

guys post as "."
girls post as a true boyfriend

mad

i extremely hate it....do i look like someone who would on purposely suck in doing something...i dislike the fact that someone acts so differently towards one and completely different towards the other...if she hates me that much, then please just tell me because when she looks like that when i do something wrong i really get pissed off because she wouldn't do the same to another..i ask them nicely then they answer me that way...what a shame...bahala na sila...

~bye

decisions....

..so tired x_x..i'm having a hard time deciding on what to do...to quit or not to quit that is the question....i've been thinking so hard and it took me a lot of time before i made a decision and now i regret why i haven't made that right decision sooner...

sometimes there comes a time when you start to realize that things will always lead to the right thing to do....and if its what you like to do against what you really love then God will always lead you to the right way...

and that's what hurts most....sometimes we have to make sacrifices in order to make better changes in our lives..

nothing lasts forever....

~bye

stupid schedule!

goodness..we don't have assignments today, but tomorrow will be one hell of a day! Duty sucks! i hate it....8-12.30 cheering practice, then after that comes dentist, then after that i have to go to training! such a suckish day! grrrrr..........

i'll try to find a way....but what the hell? its hard! damn this day...argh!

aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! I don't think i want to train this saturday...coz i have to do stuff...that sucks!!!

im tired......

~bye

addicted..

I've been addicted to so many things....like the song because of you by Ne-Yo...and How do I breathe by mario...its stuck in my head...my obssession for these songs are inexplainable...anyway...

Addiction..this is how microsoft word defines it..."great interest in a particular thing to which a lot of time is devoted." if this is true then i guess i'm addicted with my jobs in school (batch officer,class officer and club officer) and volleyball that is so NOT TRUE!!! I come home every night very tired because my "addiction"...i have problems every night because of these things...i can not have ONE peaceful night not thinking of every single duty that i have....i'm tired....its not great interest that takes my time...most of it is just forced duty...

on second thought...i love volleyball, my batch, my classmates and dare i say it...my club (because of a certain person who makes everything feel better....thanks marmar!) but the duties are too heavy to handle...but i sacrifice because i love these people...not the duties...im not addicted to these things...its my way only of showing my love...

I seriously couldn't be any luckier....

im tired of doing this and that, i hid all my concerns, i never said anything because it was too painful for me to bear, i lost all passion and care, i'm sorry if i seem like im not there......i feel that i need a break from all of this...and i'd love to ignore all my responsibilities...but my guilt gets to me...so i decided to become like this......cold and to some even rude.......

boring....its the almost the end of the month and this is the only entry that i'm writing...coz of the freaking hectic schedule....haha

this month we were asked to make a formal theme about who our morrie is...yah...it tok me a while to decide who that was..so its almost as if i crammed to do that freaking essay.... Being a batch officer is a lot of work...i wish to get out of it...waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! someone help!!!!!!!!

i'm usually as busy as a bee...but then again, how can i compare myself to a bee when i am human...i don't have wings..if i did, then that would be very convenient, i would fly from one meeting to another...from one floor to the other....haha! then i wouldn't be that tired...hehe...

suckish day have to cram to make a freaking card for shuo hwa khe...

gtg now...

~bbye!

(o,o) sense of judgement

I just suddenly liked the idea of star gazing....it just made sense to me that its better looking at an object that's just so damn beautiful...than to go near it and risk the possibility that you may destroy it...I know that this idea is not applicable to all things and all occasions...because i know that there are some things that are actually worth the risk...that is...if you feel that you deserve to get hold of it...

But the same question pops into my head..."how do i know if its worth risking what I have?" Sometimes i follow what i feel is right and sometimes i follow what i think is right...but i don't always have good judgment...most of the time i use the wrong choices for the wrong people...You may not get what I'm trying to say because right now even I can't explain myself...of what i want to do...of what I'm supposed to do....and of what I'm supposed to say....I don't have good judgment.. that's why the idea of watching someone from a distance just made sense to me...but is it really right for me to do that?

I still have my doubts about it....

~bye

weak...

I'm not entirely sure what I am supposed to be typing right now...truth be told....I'm having one of the worst days in my life.....I'm having difficulties in expressing my feelings...its so hard for me...because I'm usually hiding my feelings.....this is my way of living now...hiding the emotions I felt...I've sealed everything that I feel......at least that was what I thought.....until last night....

I was lying down on my bed and I was thinking of so many things that happened actually the things that I thought that didn't hurt me or the pains that I tried to ignore.....it never occurred to me that I was handling more than I can handle....it hurts....it hurts so much that I'd like hit something hard! It didn't make sense....and yet it made me cry...

Why? What made me cry last night? I've been feeling this way since the other day...I try to understand people.....I try not to hurt them with my words or deeds.... but I end up hoping that someone can actually understand me....I couldn't tell anyone about it...and I'm feeling so weak......

I think I need to rest...

~bye!

could it be instinct?

I know this someone who can tell me every single thing that I often hide from people....I don't know why....I'm quite creeped out....its like he/she already knows what's on my mind...or what happened to me...even if I never told the details....its cool and at the same time its quite bothering....How do they know?!? Can they see what I actually see? or is it just their instinct? What CAN they see....I'm very intrigued.....I want to find out more about it....

maybe...i'll research about it some time later.....that is....if I can get it off my mind for the next few hours....I have to study history....i hate history...grrrrr....nothing in this book actually interests me.......tsk tsk tsk.... i have to study now...

~bbye!

More than we'll ever know....

I really wish I could help these people....but then again I don't have the power....tsk tsk tsk....I pity the teachers of our school....they love the students that they handle....problem is...........

You know what never mind....I wouldn't like to continue that sentence....I hear no evil,I speak no evil, and I do no evil....its better that way....

friendly advice for fellow students:

If you really love the teachers that handle you...try to avoid making them mad, they're already having a hard time at work and I feel that the only time that they can relax is when they're with us....believe it or not, when I started high school last year, I've already encountered four teachers that cried....one of them, I really don't care why she cried (sama ko noh?)....the other two were because of ehem....you know what I don't think I have the authority to mention why...the other one was because we wouldn't listen to him....

Our teachers love us...they love us so much----well at least...most of them do....and they love us more than we'll ever know...this is the only thing that keeps them from leaving our school; love is the greatest gift that they can offer to us.

They also deserve to be happy. Give them a little consideration....

I have to go now...its 4.30 and I haven't started studying yet...

~bye!

expectations.....

Expectations are bound to make you go "loka" over everything....especially when people expect too much from you....but seriously for me? There's absolutely no escape to these things....because I can't find heart to resist of what I am told....

I am the type of person who feels guilty if I didn't follow what I've been told....as the youngest....that is what I have to do.....I have to follow everything I'm told....because if I didn't...then everyone at home would just be so mad at me...its like it has been my obligation ever since the day I was born....even if I don't want to do it I have to do it....

On a lecture of our teacher she said that you shouldn't be following what others tell you to do...you should follow what you want to do.....I actually froze at that statement.....You see, everything from my life now to the days that I will have a job in our company has already been planned by my parents, if I didn't deliver.....the consequences are extremely heavy...one of which is no tuition fee....what I want to be is different from what my parents want for me....but I thought, my parents want me to do this for my own good....but my teacher also told us.....what if they died? Then you wouldn't know what to do....she had a good point...I'd be lost...

I'm totally confused...seriously....what I usually want is what others want...and I know that i shouldn't be dependent on others' opinions....it bothers me alot....i have to go now....

~bye!

Another rainy morning.....

Today was supposed to be our test in EP and MAPEH...but since classes were suspended (super wrong timing!), our test was also rescheduled....*Sigh*

Tomorrow, hopefully, the school will be open....that way I could get all my notes for the test on friday...

Usually, I feel happy when it rains...I usually dance in the rain...now, it feel different....I feel so down...and lost.....

Either way...i gtg now....

~bye!

touch me not......

I often get hurt because of the people who come and go....Don't get me wrong, its not that I regret having met these people in my life, because believe me, I had the best times of my life with them...its just that I get too attached to these people and it hurts when they leave...I know that its natural for people to come and go...after all, nothing lasts forever...and that's just it... I always wish that I can do something to make them stay, but sadly, I can't....

I wanted to make these people happy...isn't this goal natural?!? but I couldn't even make them smile....and each time that I failed to do this...I feel so pathetic and I cry....its just so sad because the person that you once loved so much...the one whom you loved with all your heart is usually the one that gets away...it takes a lot of time to get over that pain....but truth be told, once you see them again, every single pain that you once felt will be back...

These people touched your lives but you still feel like you haven't touched theirs? Actually, you touched them more than they toched you...you loved them....you already gave them more than what you heart had to offer....

Touch me not.....

I felt the need to close my heart for awhile....to heal the wounds that bleed until this moment....until I'm ready....Touch me not.....

too lazy to study....but I can't break my promise...

I'm really too lazy to study...after that thing happened yesterday....I feel that everything I did just went to waste....I feel like I want to drop each subject...well actually, everything except well, of course my favorite subject because I love the teacher....

I promised her that I would study...and I told her that I will beat my score from the test she gave last year...I got 97 in that exam...so now, I have to get 98-100 on our periodical exam tomorrow.... Even though, I'm really too lazy to even open my book to read my lessons right now....but I will study because I promised her...the reason why I promised her was because that was the only way that I could think of to get myself to do it....

I hate breaking the promises I make....It kills me when I break the things that I say....especially if on the time that I said it, I was extremely sincere...but sometimes, I feel that people don't take me seriously....the thing about me is----If you don't believe in me, that I can do a certain task....then I would on purposely do the task in the worst way you can imagine....(okay,sometimes, I do it on purpose, but sometimes, I'm unconsciously doing it....)

I have to study, because I promised that I would get a higher score than before, I have to prove myself that I can do better now.....thanks for inspiring me miss....

I gotta go now...i'll just try to go online later...

~bye!

my view of perfection and life....

Right now I am writing my very first blog entry, because I'm feeling really bad right now...like in the worst mood ever. I've been feeling really down lately, and I feel like everything's changing. Usually, I'm the type of person who can accept change and adapt to it easily, and before it came gradually...now its just so sudden, that I couldn't even keep up with the change....

Life can seem perfect at one day, but at the next day it could give a lot of challenges in one day....There are a lot of things that can seem hard and I may be feeling down right now, but you know...maybe its not yet the worst day of my life...alot of things can still happen, and when bad things happen, good things follow, but don't enjoy the good times to much because things could get worse...if i'm not mistaken, this is yin and yang...I learned a lot from our previous Chinese teacher =)

Neil's right, perfection is the worst thing that could happen in the world, because there's simply no such thing! The thing about perfection is....you have to learn and love it. Well, that's my view anyways....if the person really can't change, then accept them as they are...no one is perfect =) and the beauty of it is...that's what builds the great friendship you have with your friends, it is through your imperfections that we fall and find our real friends....ones who will help us with them and ones who need our help as well....

No one can live a perfect life; that's what makes life so perfect =)

Its late now..so i have to go...

~bye!